How do you go from being a pretty good friend to a shitty friend in like, a click of a mouse? It just happens. I can make it happen. Because I am a shitty friend. Shitty person. I have bad timing.

I'm trying to get to a point where I feel like a worthwhile person and then I feel like what I'm doing is chicken shit. I don't know if it's because of what they said or just what I feel.

And then I apologize. A lot. Which actually didn't help the situation.

But fuck me, why make fun of me and what I do every fucking chance? Am I really that pathetic? I must be. Right now I'm in a such a negative space that I must be a magnet for this shit. And I'm trying to turn it around, it's just hard. I have never felt like this before. This is a new one. It's new. I don't have a name for it.

Shitty friend. Angry. Thinking I'm doing something good and it turns out that it's a joke. What I do is a fucking joke. It's nothing. It was the first time in my life where I actually felt like I was sort of worthwhile. And it's a fucking joke. When do you get to the place where you feel like you're actually worth something? How do you get there? I don't know how to get there. I thought I was there and I'm not. When do I actually choose to do something worthwhile? And is it really worthwhile to me, or just in everyone else's eyes?

You know, people read this and will have less respect. For you.

So what. This is what I'm thinking at this moment. Ok, I've been thinking this for the past 2 days. Really hard. Because he was fucking making fun of me and why the fuck am I apologizing? Well, gosh, it could be because he nearly got killed. And now you're fucking guilty as hell because was it really worth it?

Oh shit. Everything happens for a reason. I'm hoping it happened so that she'll see him for what he really is. Maybe she'll see how great he really is and how lucky she is. When he's not making fun of who she is.

I truly don't think I've been this fucking heartbroken before. Isn't that stupid? I feel like my chest is caving in.

Because we know it's all about me.

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