I don't condone being drunk. But sometimes we're all people. I'm no different than anyone else. Who's drunk.

It's taking time to type this correctly though.

Listening to music. And trying to dig deep about why I seem to despise myself.

Sure, we all have self-doubt. Sometimes...once in a blue fucking moon, I feel ok. Other times I feel like a fat slob bitch. Ugly bitch. I am never someone's first choice. I am never pretty enough or good enough.

Jealousy. Self doubt? Whatever. It kills me. It eats at me. I don't envy other women, strangely enough. But I look in the mirror and make myself ill by the way I look. I'm a mother. I've had 3 babies. My stomach shows it. It's not flat. It should be flat. All my trouble would be over if I had a flat stomach.

But then iit would be on to something else. Like my hips. I don't mind my stretch marks. I don't mind those at all. And my wrinkles. I don't mind those either. Fine lines. I'm getting them. Crows feet. I like them. It shows some sort of thing. badge of honor? What the fuck? I'm such a fuck up.

Anyway, but I don't want to go under the knife. I don't want to show my daughters that's teh way to solve the problems.

I'm starting to run every other day again. That's the right way right? 100 years ago they didn't have plastic surgery. I mean, that would be showing my kids the vain hollywo*d looks bandwagon is the way to do things. It's not. It's normal to have kids. And normal for us Swedish gals to have no elasticity in our skin. I could lose 100 lbs and still have the stomach. I don't want to lose 100 lbs. Either.

God I'm fucked up. I wonder if this makes sense.

So where was I? Digging deep into my wretched soul of existence. I have yet to figure out where it comes from. Do you believe in that thing? Where your memory lapses and you don't remember things from the past? I thnk I mentioned this before. I was going through a divorce. During halloween time. The two children were dressed up as witches. Two years later I was looking at pictures of halloween and didn't remember the girls ever being witches. I asked my mom if I had bought the costumes. She said I had. I can't remember it. To this day can't. My memory is not sparked by the photos of my children dressed as witches.

So something I'm missing from my childhood? A few times I've had an appointment to be regressed and I've never kept my appointment. Fear.

I don't want to dredge this shit up. I don't. I just want to get on with things. Peopel go through worse shit than I could ever imagine.

Why the fuck am I whining?

But hey, my fucknig diary right?

I can be drunk and write in my fucking diary all I want. And people can read. Or choose not to. Or choose to identify. Or not.

I just wish I were better. I'm always trying to be better. I never measure up.

Your hair would look good long. So I do it. I used to have it short as all get out and I loved it. Now I'm growing it out and I hate it. Everyone else likes it because that's how girls are supposed to look. They're supposed to have long hair to look feminine. I vowed never to grow my fucking hair out ever again. But here I am doing it. Because I'm a jerk. I think men are afraid to fuck girls with short hair because they don't even want to have any homosexual inkling at all. Girls are supposed to have long hair. Ya know?

You're not skinny enough. Why don't you get skinny like all those pretty women.

**********

Two men talking.

"The only one of the gals in Starbucks I would ever consider ruining my marriage for is that asian gal."

Other guy: "Yeah I know what you mean."

*********

And I am never going to ever be that pretty. That skinny. That gregarious. Where did that come from? Gregarious. Sounds like how you describe a dog. Anyhow. I won't ever be that.

That bubbly. That friendly.

Don't mind her. She's that rambling drunk mind-whore that isn't making sense right now. It's ok. It'll probably stop soon.

Why am I drunk. Not a question. I just feel crazy. In pain. Letting my self doubt eat away at me. We all like to numb ourselves once in a while right? Is that normal?

I should be all "fuck you" and stuff.

But I'm not. Maybe I'll get there. After I sober up and everything.

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