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Falling Apart
2003-06-02, 11:24 a.m.

Okay, so this is how things fall apart. I get it as of this very moment. I put people before myself, all the wrong people. Last night may have been Michael�s last night of freedom for a while. The night before he had talked to me on the phone for a while, his boy in the background talking shit. Shit- �girl, you know you better come over here and break him off some before he goes to do his time.� It was sort of flattering that he wanted me to be his final lay for a while; he does have other options. Thin girls want him. Then I go over there and he is asleep on the couch. His socks are always fucking on. He has some sort of paranoia about how his feet look. I have yet to see his feet, which is funny considering that I have seen everything else. I keep wondering if he has extra toes, or maybe he has 10 toes like he should and they are all really really long, the kind of toes you could hang from trees by. Ah, I digress. He is curled up in this ball on the couch. It was really precious. He moved long enough for me to sit down and then curled into my lap. He turned his head into my breasts, and slept as if ready to suckle. It was precious.

He barked at me latter. I was fucked up, I am almost all the time now. I don�t know when getting fuct up became a priority. I don�t go looking for stuff, but I never have too. Everyone is doing something, and no one wants to do it alone. I haven�t been down this particular road yet myself, but I have watched others and I know that NOW is the time to check my behavior before this gets all kinds of out of hand.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. F-U-C-K! God Damn! AHHhhhhh, mutherfucker. I had things to do last night. What did I do? I hit my knees in the bathroom of his best friends house. Yeah, I got class. Sheesh. He can�t last with me. He fucks other girls for hours, and comes with me in a matter of minutes. I don�t know what the hell that is about. Is that an insult?

He can be really sweet- but in general he is very cold. I spend a lot of time with him feeling like I am an assocary to complete his wanna be existence. He doesn�t have a regular job, he has to go see if he is going to jail today. He is fucking up. He isn�t even cute. He has never made me cum. I am drawn to him simply because he is a tie to my shitty ass past. No matter how horrible all the shit was that went down in my past, it was familiar. This new good girl shit keeps confusing me. I know how to get high and fuck all day. There isn�t much left to fuck up when you life has been simplified down to that level.

See, how fucking stupid I am. I am in trouble with my dad, work, school, and my friends, but I spend this whoile entry talking about a guy that is just a tether to the past.

And that is how things fall apart.


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